Wednesday, March 18, 2015

If These Dolls Could Talk: Seriously, Can we NOT?

You know I am really getting tired of you three and this constant business of "turning down for what." Every night it's the same damn story: one minute you're ice skating, doing crosswords, or feeding our chestnut mare thoroughbred, Penny...and the next thing I know, everybody's clothes are on the floor, somebody's passed out, and a random piece of pumpkin pie has appeared out of nowhere. Do you see me acting a fool and getting drunk on milkshakes? No, you don't. While you all are reliving some ridiculous YOLO/Girls Gone Wild fantasy, I am in a historically accurate canopy bed, practicing my recitations and trying to avoid the Yellow Fever. As I've said before, this mosquito netting is for everyone's protection, and no, there was not enough to go around. You're right, ladies, the struggle is real. Also, I don't really want to hear another word about my pantalettes, or for that matter, my ringlets. I appreciate that we each have our differences, but you would all do well to follow my lead here, as I am currently the only one in the room wearing an actual outfit. No, Nellie, your pajama top doesn't count, although your confusion about basic grooming habits is understandable given the fact that until recently, you were but a shy servant girl and also a child laborer. All I can say is, God bless Gardner and Cornelia Edwards for taking you in after your parents succumbed to influenza. Just remember, this is not the factory, and even though you are hardworking, honest, and have a penchant for disassembling things, I have a penchant for bitches who don't disassemble their clothes. Seriously, though, all of you: get back into your respective time periods, work your hobbies, and drop the Miley Cyrus routine because not only is it not cute, it is an embarrassment to America...and girls, everywhere.

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